FLESH

FLESH is a short film which explores my weak, failing body, and its relationship with the rest of the planet, at a time when it felt like the world was ending. It’s very much a first draft, formed from the scraps of a 20 minute voice note left for my friend Kate in the middle of the night. At the time, I had developed a persistent cough - not the dreaded virus, but an allergic reaction to my new kittens, which I had purchased from Gumtree in my hunger to feel touch; my need to bring something in from the outside world.

Half of the voice note (not included) is about this battle: my fight with my doctor, who believed I should cure my ailment by simply exchanging my cats for a different pet. I had been begging her to at least let me try a prescription to antihistamines first. Between my coughs, I describe to Kate the idea of ‘dignity of choice’ - that, despite my plethora of serious medical conditions, I still want the right to make decisions that could be perceived as ‘bad for me’.

The part of the voice note included in FLESH is an almost completely contradictory notion: confronting my own internalised ableism, the idea that I don’t deserve to live all. I explore my sensory deprivation and need for touch in a different way, connecting to the viscous and fungal textures that have often left me feeling disgusted.

So much of this pandemic and Thinking Time for me has been about exploring these contradictions - the ideas around who gets to live and die; our sense of value; how to reach out and touch each other at a time where it’s physically impossible; the overarching sense of apocalypse.

I’ve been leaning into the sensations that give me the most visceral reactions: fungus and slime and decomposing bodies. I wanted to explore the disgust of recognition - like hearing your voice on a recording, or seeing your body on a security camera, half-recognised, but not quite right. I would like to make a horror film that’s entirely mycological, like The Blair Witch project, but the corpses are all mushrooms.

This film is a feverish first draft of something I’d like to spend the next few years unpacking. I’m starting to feel so connected to the mycological kingdom that I can’t entirely tell where it ends and my body begins…

Flesh was commissioned by Artangel as a reflection of Thinking Time: a special initiative to support artists to research, reflect and develop their ideas. To watch the film, and engage with other Thinking Time reflections click here.